In recent times I've been reading a fair bit about Buddhism, doing some meditation and listening to talks by Buddhist teachers. I think there is so much wisdom in it (I won't try to summarise that wisdom, because it would be an inadequate description), but somehow for me Buddhism doesn't seem to 'take'.Dr. I says that Christianity is really my spiritual home and that my feeling of being empty and spiritless seems to have begun when I gave up on God. I told him a little bit about the rubbish I went through in the church as a kid (more on this anon...) and he suggested that I had been involved in religious 'wars', metaphorically speaking; that perhaps I had thought to myself, 'Well, if these Christians can't agree, I'll go and find another religion.'
That may be part of it, but I think it's mostly to do with the crippling fear I used to feel when I tried to pray or read books on Christian spirituality or theology. I just couldn't deal with it anymore, and no-one I spoke to seemed to be able to shed any light on it - it was a problem that was too spiritual for psychologists and counsellors, and too psychological for spiritual dudes...
So why is Buddhism not taking, no matter how much I might admire it? My old spiritual director used to say that even when I couldn't hang on to God, God was holding me. She said at times like that I could picture myself curled up in the palm of God's hand. I find that thought so comforting. I wonder whether, once you've committed your life to God, She just will not let go, even when you go away. I don't see that as being forced to do or believe something against my will - it's quite lovely that when you're ready to return, you find that you never really left, or that God has been following you all along the way.
I feel like crying with relief...
[untitled photo of a rabbit in the palm of a hand], downloaded 4th January, 2010, from:
http://vi.sualize.us/view/9ac83424a80273aeb63bcbe6461f0ed3/
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