Structure

My new counsellor, Margaret, says that I am looking for a structure for my inner world.

I told her a while ago (and have thought for some time) that my old personal construct, structure, paradigm or whatever you want to call it, was thrown out some time ago, and a new one hasn't replaced it yet. As a result, I feel a bit like I'm floating in space. It may sound like a good thing to have no lens or framework through which to view the world, as though I am seeing clearly in an unobstructed manner, but the reality is it's very confusing and disorienting and scary.

This is what Jonathan Cainer (what a hero) has to say about the month of June for Sagittarians (Sagittarius is my ascendant):

'They say that if a wall is falling apart, we shouldn't try to paper over the cracks. If, though, we are only intending to live with that wall for a short while, it makes no sense to start knocking it down and rebuilding it. Perhaps those cracks are just the result of old plaster crumbling and not serious subsidence. Or, then again, perhaps not. In June, as Jupiter moves into a new sector of the sky and forms a conjunction with Uranus, you see how to knock down and rebuild an arrangement where many cosmetic repairs have been attempted without success. That requires courage and vision. But it's going to work out very well.'

The question is now, what will that new wall or structure be? Astrology, Advaita Vedanta, Buddhism, or some combination?

My little inner fundamentalist (hangover from my adolescence) feels a bit scared about any of these options. When I was growing up, anything seen as New Agey, or anyone who combined more than one form of spirituality, was a bit of anathema. Maybe that's why what will happen for me in June requires courage.

I really have to read more about Advaita Vedanta anyway. At the moment what I like about it is:
'God' and the self as one.
Non-dualism generally.
The interconnectedness of every being (I also see astrology as an expression of interconnectedness).

Quote from Jonathan Cainer taken from: http://www.heraldsun.com.au/lifestyle/horoscopes.

'Sagittarius, Aria Nadii' downloaded 29th May, 2010, from: http://mamamagic.wordpress.com/tag/sagittarius-moon/.

The Twins

Was reading yesterday about Castor and Pollux, the twin stars of the Gemini constellation.

The big astrology Bible I've been reading says that Castor stands for the positive aspects of creativity and that Pollux represents the pain associated with the creative process, and that both stars have been crucial in the charts of a long line of writers, from Dickens to John Lennon! (My lunar sign is Gemini).

This reminded me of what I was saying about the anxiety that seems to accompany writing for me (it's also very present in my partner PB's painting practice).

Just a tidbit for a Monday morning!

[Painting of Castor and Pollux], downloaded 17th May, 2010, from:
http://cristinalaird.wordpress.com/2009/07/.

'The mythical way of looking at things...'

'There is no doubt about it, the moment when the story-teller acquires the mythical way of looking at things, the gift of seeing the typical features of characteristics and events...
...that moment marks a beginning in his life. It means a peculiar intensification of his artistic mood, a new serenity in his powers of perception and creation.

'This is usually reserved for the later years of life; for whereas in the life of mankind the mythical represents an early and primitive stage, in the life of the individual it represents a late and mature one.'

- Thomas Mann (I think!), quoted by Kerenyi, 1951, in 'The Gods of the Greeks,' Thames and Hudson, London.

Just a little self-congratulation on my part in the latter part of that quote!!! Actually, Kerenyi goes on to say that nowadays (in the 50's!!) the 'mythical way of looking at things' no longer necessarily occurs in later life...

Photo downloaded 16th May, 2010, from:
http://www.fanpop.com/spots/greek-mythology/articles/2605/title/psyche.

First Thoughts

Was at the local cafe with PB today. We were talking about the persistent anxiety that seems to permeate every stage of the creative process. I think it relates to Natalie Goldberg's discussion of 'First Thoughts' and the Unconscious, especially in writing first drafts. (I'm writing the first draft of a novella called 'Broomstick' at the moment). Natalie Goldberg compares the process to having a monster which lives in your Unconscious mind and throws ideas and images (First Thoughts) up into the Conscious mind, up on to the page. First Thoughts, or first draft writing generally, can be messy, but more inspired and fresh than what arises when you are editing and perfecting and your inner critic or censor is engaged. You need the fresh, inspired stuff first, and then you refine it by editing.

Well, I don't have a problem with writing being messy (it's fun!) but I believe the anxiety arises when I'm afraid that no (or not enough) fresh and inspired stuff will come up at all. Because it comes from the Unconscious, it is a complete unknown, utterly unpredictable.


I suppose there is a lesson for me in learning to embrace this unpredictability. But I won't try to think about what that lesson is, how it applies to the rest of life; I'm just going to do the writing and let the lesson filter through the rest of me. Another example of fiction-writing being an embodiment, a 'living of the question,' as opposed to trying to think my way to a premature conclusion...




['Freud - exploring the unconscious mind,' downloaded 16th May 2010, from:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/onefromrome/228705707/].

[Photo of Natalie Goldberg], downloaded 16th May, 2010, from:
http://mamatrue.com/2009/06/.

I feel as though I'm coming out of a dark period, and accordingly, I've changed the template for my blog. Too much black!

I've been so angry and bitter and have been finding it impossible to trust anyone.

Feels like things are shifting a little now, though...

['Light... fading out into darkness' by guilda-r, downloaded 16th May 2010, from:
http://www.flickr.com/groups/oneyear/discuss/72157621551859978/].

Example: Alchemy

An example of using anxiety in discernment is how I felt when I was reading Jung's writings on alchemy.
Although I'm very interested in the symbolism of alchemy, the repeated references to the union of the opposites doesn't feel right for me as it reinforces the duality that is at the heart of Christianity and perhaps also at the root of our culture.
I prefer the Zen emphasis on transcending or moving beyond such duality, ceasing to label things 'good' and 'bad', or 'right' and 'wrong', rather, allowing things to be how they are right here and right now.

['"Union of opposites" photo of Laura Hollick with Mark Wedderburn wearing Laura Hollick's headpieces', downloaded 13th May 2010, from:
http://www.soulartstudio.com/wordpress/?tag=beauty].

['Frozen emotions', downloaded 13/5/10 from:
http://integral-options.blogspot.com/2007/01/owning-our-emotions.html].

Trust your Feelings!

I've realised in the last few days that this anxiety I've been whingeing about is actually something of a gift.

I've learnt a lot from it in the time since I started writing this blog.

I was told some time about the Ignatian Spiritual Exercises, a method of discernment in which anxiety is used as an indicator that something is not right or true for the person doing the work. I've come to see my own anxiety in a similar light. I think it is intuition / wisdom / the higher self / God guiding me away from ideas or practices which are not healthy for me, or are not 'my truth,' to risk sounding like a flake!!

Much of the time I think the anxiety acts to prevent me from 'going over the top,' from getting too fundamental or extreme or overly zealous. But then I think my natural 'zeal' and spiritual hunger is a gift as well. It's as though I need both, working in tandem, balancing one another out. Too much spiritual zeal and I get anxious; too little and I lose touch with my spirituality altogether and experience a deadened, empty feeling - which is another indication given to me by my feelings and intuition.

'Trust your feelings, Luke!'

The God Within

Including this mandala by Emma Hack because I've been thinking about Jung's assertion that mandalas represent the 'Centre' or the Self.

Previously I've thought of God as being the Centre.

I've never really allowed it to 'filter through' before, the idea that God and the higher Self are one and the same. That spiritual traditions like Buddhism make mention of 'the God within.'
I think (yet another 'think' to go and look up) that Jung referred to the relationship between God and the human psyche / soul as being comparable to that between the ocean and a drop of water...

I believe a similar concept is expressed in the phrase 'Brahman is Atman' or 'Atman is Brahman.'

Today is a day to celebrate my drop of water, and the ocean it points to, or relates to, or contains.

(The important thing for me with reflections like these is to allow them to drip or filter through me, rather than overthink them, overwrite... Using my brain too much and my intuition too little is what has led to anxiety in the past...)

['Exotic bird' by Emma Hack, 2010. Downloaded 11th May 2010, from:
http://www.franceskeevilart.com.au/emma_hack.htm].

Called or Not Called...

The inscription above the door to Jung's house, 'Vocatus atque non vocatus deus aderit', or, 'Called or not called, God will be present.'

[Photo downloaded 10th May, 2010, from http://home.vicnet.net.au/~jungsoc/photos.html
Photo appears on the above website (of the CG Jung Society of Melbourne) courtesy of David Tacey].