Recently I was told by my GP that the empty, hollow feeling I've been struggling with is called depersonalisation. At first, I was told that I was probably experiencing depersonalisation as a pre-psychotic symptom, but then later I was informed that it had been going on too long for this to be the case. I'm in between psychiatrists at the moment, so I feel a bit like I'm hanging around waiting to find out why I'm experiencing depersonliation and how it can be treated.
Here's some information on depersonalisation from Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization
Meantime, I just have to find ways to alleviate the symptom... I've found that exercising, sunshine and being in nature all help to some extent. (Although it's winter, there have been some beautiful, sunny days in Melbourne in the last few weeks...)
I've read that praying or meditating can also help, but I'm not sure whether it's the depersonalisation itself which has been interfering with my experience of the presence of God over the last few years. I've also read that accute anxiety goes hand in hand with depersonalisation, and this causes me to wonder whether the anxiety I've felt since I was a teenager surrounding spiritual matters (and which I've written about a bit in this blog) has been caused by the symptom; whether, in fact, I've had this for a lot longer than I realised...
Having decided that Advaita Vedanta is not for me, I've just come back to trying to 'hang out' with the God I got to know through Christianity. Sometimes the empty, numb feeling of meaninglessness seems to impede this 'hanging out' together. At other times, the anxiety has the same effect. But I'm focusing on backing off and gracefully giving up when this happens, and having a few words in God's ear when I'm not hindered in either of these ways.
Another symptom which frequently occurs simultaneously with depersonalisation is derealisation; the feeling that the world around you is dreamlike, unreal. I certianly experience this, a feeling of disconnection from my surroundings, from the embodied world. Again, being in nature helps with this. I believe the way that it helps relates to the theology of Sally McFague as discussed in her book, 'The Body of God.' In nature, I feel connected to God's body, the earth, and to my body. I feel connected to God and to my own self.
I've been listening to a song called 'Real Life' by Joan As Policewoman on my ipod, a gorgeous song which has the chorus:
'Cos I'm real life
and you're real life
and we're real life...'
In that lyric I've really heard the voice of God speaking to me. Whether I feel it or not, relationship is real life, love is real life. My relationship with God is real life. Also, my relationship with PB is real life, because PB's love is an expression of God's love for me, but also just because it is! because it has value in and of itself.
Now I am focusing on the fact that God is present even when I can't feel Her presence, and that I am a person with my own unique identity, even when I can't sense that either.
[Photo downloaded 13th August, 2010, from: http://underthehill.wordpress.com/2008/12/].
