A chestnut tree is a chestnut tree...

Reading 'Prodigal Summer' by Barbara Kingsolver, I'm touched by the moments where a hollowed-out tree, the memory of an extinct species, a moth on a curtain, hold their own significance, without needing to refer to any lofty theme or system or theory or religion...

eg. '...the Walkers had lived well under the sheltering arms of the American chestnut until the slow devastation began to unfold in 1904, the year that brought down the chestnut blight.'

Talking about conserving the ginseng plant in a National Park area: '...she just loved the idea of those little man-shaped roots dancing in their world beneath the soil.  She wanted them to persist forever, not for the sake of impotent men in China or anywhere else, just for the sake of ginseng.'

Kingsolver, B. (2000). Prodigal summer. London: Faber and Faber.

"Prothalamium" by Aaron Kramer

Come, all you who are not satisfied
as ruler in a lone, wallpapered room
full of mute birds, and flowers that falsely bloom,
and closets choked with dreams that long ago died!

Come, let us sweep out the old streets - like a bride:
sweep out dead leaves with a relentless broom;
prepare for Spring, as though he were our groom
for whose light footstep eagerly we bide.

We'll sweep out shadows, where the rats long fed;
sweep out our shame - and in its place we'll make
a bower for love, a splendid marriage-bed
fragrant with flowers aquiver for the Spring.
And when he comes, our murdered dreams shall wake;
and when he comes, all the mute birds shall sing.

(Used as the epigraph to Barbara Kingsolver's book 'Prodigal Summer').

Kingsolver, B. (2000). Prodigal summer. London: Faber and Faber.

[Photo by nathan kaso], downloaded 25th June, 2010, from:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/nathankaso/.

Hooroo Kevin

In the name of finding a sense of connection where I ordinarily wouldn't look for one... I just want to write a couple of words about Kevin Rudd on the day he leaves the office of Prime Minister.

I was moved by Kevin Rudd's speech today, and by the quality of his relationship with his wife, and I was glad of the opportunity to reflect on some of the things he achieved while in office.

In particular, the manner in which he apologised to the Stolen Generations should be remembered for a very long time.  I believe Kevin Rudd is a genuine, warm person of deep spirituality (wherever you stand on that kind of faith) and I'm sad to see him go.  The time surrounding his election was one of hope and excitement, whatever may have followed.

So here's to feeling a connection with your leaders.  And sending out vibes of hope and promise (much as that makes me sound like a flake!) surrounding Julia Gillard's prime ministership.

Hooroo.

Earth and Heaven

I've been reading a book called 'Earth and Heaven' by Sue Gee.  Like 'The Hours of the Night,' the other book of Gee's that I've recently read, it's a very gentle book that is full of incidents of meaning and connection in the small things in people's lives.

Here are some passages taken from 'Earth and Heaven' that provide a sense of 'shape and connection' for me:

'To integrate bed and board, home and school, the small farm and workshop, earth and heaven.' - Eric Gill; used as an epigraph in the book.

'...how strange it felt to him now, to be going back there, and how his work was changing, from the little wartime portrait of his mother, to this huge endeavour.  Mother and daughter-in-law and grandchild had entered the world of myth, and he himself did not quite understand how this had happened, nor the full significance of the great bird who spread out his wings beside them, except that the bird, like his mother, went back and back, had always been a part of him, and had had to find a place.' (Gee, 2000, p163).

This passage means something to me because of the certainty with which the artist says that something as simple as a bird has always been a part of him, there is a sense of resonance about it, and for that reason alone it deserves a place in his work.  I want to learn from that in my own writing.

'He thought of a summer dawn in childhood, waking as early as this, everyone else still asleep.  His mother came quietly into the room.  She stood pouring water from a white china jug into a white china bowl.
All that water, all that light.
The mist in the fields was rising, the cockerel crowed.  He lay there watching the dance of reflected light on the wall: leaping, alive.
So many years ago.
Everything was certain, then, and everything had meaning: all through his childhood.  Then John William was killed, and nothing meant a thing.
And now?  Walter walked over the meadow, his bag and the folded stool within it bumping against his side.  The woods on the hill were dark and full, lit by the rising sun.  They stood on the skyline and received the dawn.
We are making a new world.' (Gee, 2000, p172).

This passage reminds me of my own loss of meaning as a result of illness and grief, and the sense I now have that meaning is returning to the world, but small 'm' meaning, not head-on, literal, big 'M' meaning; the type of connection you find in the simple act of water being poured from a china jug.

I suppose for this reason the earth part is more more important to me than heaven.  Or more accurately, heaven being found to be implicit in this kind of earthly beauty and simplicity...

Trentham and Daylesford

PB and I went for a drive up to Trentham and Daylesford today.  It was so beautiful.  Highlights of the day were:

Buying chai spices and fresh sourdough bread at the Trentham Farmer's Market and being given pumpkins for free at the end of the day to make soup!  Also the other amazing produce that was available there: olives and olive oil, preserves, wine, cheeses...  All so yummy and appealing to someone with Jupiter in Taurus!!!

Red Beard Bakery and Cafe in Trentham where we had coffee and a lovely lunch (great homemade baked beans), read, wrote, chatted and took in the awesome decor and general 'vibe'.  

Going to the galleries in Daylesford, especially the shop / gallery Can't Think Straight which has as its tagline 'Gay, green and everything in between...'  The art there is amazing and the person attending the shop told us about an exhibition opening that's happening at the shop in July - I'm working on PB about going up for it.

The lovely woman in another shop in Daylesford who told PB she was the spitting image of her sister, and went so far as to find a photo of said sister on her PC so we could appreciate the likeness.  She was very friendly and it was a simple moment of connection.

Going for a walk around Trentham Falls, and over the course of the day, just taking in the beautiful natural environment.  I need trees!!!! 

[Photo of a vacant shop in Trentham], downloaded 19th June, 2010, from: http://www.realestateview.com.au.

Can't Think Straight website

Grandpa's birthday

Yesterday would have been Grandpa's 82nd birthday, the second one since he passed away.

My grandmother and I went up to the cemetery to visit his plaque, and she was very happy to see that the waterfall which was running when she chose the spot was running again, after a couple of years of being just dry rocks.  My grandmother reminded me that Grandpa was always fiddling around with rocks and the creek and waterfalls he'd built in their garden.

A man was there tending to the grave of someone he'd lost and he helped us look for the plaque belonging to someone else my grandmother had known.  He was a bit of a character, but was obviously still pretty distraught over the loss of this loved one.  He said he couldn't bring himself to put a plaque there yet.

I felt something like the old urge to pray for this man, so I did what I've been doing lately, which is to send loving thoughts his way, the way we used to when I was in GROW.*

Grandpa's plaque in the rock, the running water, the beautiful trees and the connection with my grandmother and with this man gave a sense of 'shape' the way I talked about in my last post, the way Margaret talked about the last time I saw her.

[Photo of stones], downloaded 14th June, 2010, from:
http://www.wcbphoto.com/media/portfolio/gallery/landscapes/index.html#img/grass-blades.jpg.

*GROW is a 12-step community mental health program.  It was instrumental in my recovery from schizoaffective disorder; for more information, go to: http://www.grow.net.au/igrow/?q=node/125

Little things...

When I saw Margaret last week we were talking about the feeling I sometimes have that nothing means anything anymore.

She asked me for an example of a small, everyday thing that had happened to me that seemed meaningless.  I couldn't think of a small, everyday event; all I could think of were big, blanket things: work, study, etc.  I think I've been straying again into my tendency towards monomania when it comes to things spiritual, debasing them by being too offhand about them, rather than letting things be slow, organic and gradual.  Margaret seemed to be saying that the meaning in life is to be found in the little things, rather than in grand philosophies.  So I think I'm going to try to be slower and more respectful about exploring Advaita Vedanta, and also try to change the way I write my blog slightly.  At the moment my blog is so full of 'big' things, and big things only, that it makes them small.  What should be rare, special, more private, becomes a kind of common currency.

In the end, Margaret said that what I've been looking for is shape and connection, and that these can be found in 'smaller' things, such as my desire to teach, and the possibility of doing an education qualification.  She observed that this gives shape to who I am.  What I value about teaching is the connection with students that it lends.  So perhaps in future blog posts I can write about this and other things which give a sense of shape and connection.

Here are some initial ideas:

Going to the local cafe and writing with PB.
Catching up with my best friend and sister, having a coffee and yakking.
My sister seeking my advice and respecting my opinion.
Footy!  and talking to my Mum about footy.
Work.
Going to my first professional development workshop since I qualified as a librarian this week.
Spending time with my grandmother.
It being 110% okay to be myself when I'm with PB.  The quality of our relationship.
The possibility of doing a Masters of Education.
Going to visit my grandfather's plaque at the cemetery with my grandmother today, and the beauty of the Eltham cemetery: the native trees and the waterfall.

From the Isa Upanishad:

'He who knows at the same time both knowledge and not-knowledge, overcomes death through not-knowledge, and obtains immortality through knowledge.'

[Image by Michael Leunig}, downloaded 12th June 2010, from:
http://neurocritic.blogspot.com/2007_03_01_archive.html.

From the Katha Upanishad, Fifth Valli:

'The sun does not shine there, nor the moon and the stars, nor these lightnings, and much less this fire.  When he shines, everything shines after him; by his light all this is lighted.'

[Photo of the Australian bush taken at Banyule Swamp in Heidelberg, by nathankaso].  Accessed 12th June 2010, at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nathankaso/3662315596/.

God's Grandeur

The world is charged with the grandeur of God.
It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;
It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil
Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?
Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;
And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;
And wears man's smudge and shares man's smell: the soil
Is bear now, nor can foot feel, being shod.

And for all this, nature is never spent;
There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;
And though the last lights off the black West went
Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs-
Because the Holy Ghost over the bent
World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

- Gerard Manley Hopkins (1844-89).

My favourite Hopkins poem, discovered during my Christian years but somehow now - with a little license - expressing how I feel about the world now that God is back 'in' it (or 'as' it), as I am exploring Advaita Vedanta.

I know I've used this image in the blog before, but I'm unashamedly using it again for the same reason - the world is starting to 'glow' and come alive again...

Accordingly, I'm now changing the name of this blog, from one that is about darkness to one that is about dawn and new light.

[For future reference, this blog used to be called 'Through a Glass Darkly'].

[Image by Michael Leunig].

Spinning!

I've been feeling a bit spinny for the last week or so.

Not sure whether it's just breakthrough symptoms or something bigger...

Also not sure whether I should put my spiritual explorations on hold till I get better. I don't want to taint anything helpful and valid and positive by mixing it up with psychosis.

When I experience psychotic symptoms, it's usually mostly 'delusional mood,' the feeling that something suspicious and mysterious that I don't understand is happening. Sort of like the feeling you used to get watching the X-Files!!! And I always know when I'm unwell, so even if I do have a few delusions, I don't believe them entirely. It's like I believe them and don't believe them at the same time. It was a bit of a revelation to me when I first realised that: it taught me something about religious faith - that you can believe and not believe at the same time.

There's a meeting on tonight near where I live with a teacher of Advaita Vedanta, but I'm not going, because I want to wait until I'm well and can affirm it as a totally healthy thing.

I've also realised the story I've been writing for the past few months is not really healthy for me; the main character is psychotic and I feel like I'm getting too much into her headspace, identifying with her too much. And I'm putting astrology on hold till I feel better too. So I'm not horribly ill, but I am a bit bored and feel at a loose end!

I may be getting a little spinny because I'm quitting smoking at the moment. That always worsens your symptoms if you have a psych illness. I'm going to concentrate for the timebeing on eating well and getting enough exercise so that I don't go back to smoking purely because I've stacked on the weight!

Anyway, feeling pretty happy right now... Just went for a nice walk. This psychosis bizzo is not a HUGE deal...

[Photo of an orb spider web], downloaded 3rd June , 2010, from:
http://www.pestproducts.com/spider-webs.htm

Gently, gently...

Jonathan Cainer is very positive today (always).

Sagittarius (ascendant): 'Your most hopeful vision, now, reflects an accurate understanding of the situation you face. The changes that are coming up next will be good for you.'

Leo (sun sign): 'You need a chance to stop and think. You also have to get in touch with your deepest feelings and decide what these really mean. That means you simply must play for a little more time. Don't feel that there is no time because a situation is so urgent. It's much better to proceed slowly and get it right.'

I read the latter as being about my belief (or previous belief) that I have until August to 'get my spirituality sorted out.'

Also it relates to my deeper feeling that any exploring of a new faith or philosophy should be done slowly, without taking in too much teaching or information at once, so that things that resonate can filter through, trickle through, in a more organic way. If I take in too much head-on teaching at once I don't have time to integrate anything with my current understanding, and the result is anxiety and a kind of shutting down.

One small morsel I have been digesting is the importance in Advaita Vedanta of the soul or self, the fact that it is eternal and one with Brahman. That sacredness of the self makes far more sense to me, resonates far more, than the Buddhist concepts of no-soul and no-self. I realise it's terribly boring and whitebread and Western of me, but I do believe there is some essence to us and that it is sacred and intimately connected to God / Brahman / the guiding principle of the universe. While the phrase 'Higher Self' triggers my 'fundamentalist brain''s fear of all things 'New Agey', it also makes a lot of sense to me.

(Because I am trying to take in only small morsels of A.V. one at a time, I may make assumptions or use phraseology that does not accurately reflect the philosophy of Advaita Vedanta, but I'm going to take that risk, because I think it's wiser to proceed the way I am as well as being more respectful towards what I already believe and understand. The idea I was exposed to as a teenager, that one is converted and receives a 'new life' in an instant, seems foolish and has not been borne out by my own life experience. If the word 'conversion' is one that is even vaguely helpful, it describes a process that necessarily takes (I suspect) many years. In fact, I think even the word is disrespectful towards the existing pool of experience and wisdom and insight that any explorer of new 'structures' or systems brings to that process).

[Cartoon by Michael Leunig], downloaded 2nd June 2010, from:
http://lambiek.net/artists/l/leunig_michael.htm