Christmas Day

What does Christmas mean to me?
This year I have been thinking a little bit about the concept of incarnation, of the sacred and the physical being or becoming one entity.
Often when I'm unwell my delusions have to do with elements of nature providing me with signs or symbols that things are amiss, and at other times the physical (non-psychotic) world seems little more than an overlay, something superimposed over the deeper reality that is taking place, in the psychotic world.
Over the last few weeks, though, interaction with nature has come to represent something far more healthy and life-giving for me. In fact, my nature walks have been almost the only source of non-psychotic spirituality I've been able to find.

I suppose my use of the phrase "non-psychotic spirituality" needs further explanation.
The reason I have set up this blog is that recently my psychiatrist and I were talking about the notion that when you recover from a psychotic illness (as I have, although I'm still on medication), there are actually things you lose, along with gaining better quality of life, the ability to support yourself financially, in my case, the ability to sustain a long-term relationship.
So, having gained so much, what is it that I feel I have lost? I think that while it is frightening and debilitating, psychosis can lend one a sense of deep mystery, of connection with the "essence of things", even if that perceived essence may be sinister or scarey. In short, I believe there is a spirituality of psychosis (and of course I didn't just concoct this, much has already been written on the topic - some of which I hope to talk about later). My doctor (who will henceforth be known as Dr. I) suggested that people who have suffered a psychotic illness have almost a choice as to whether or not to be psychotic, that for some patients he has treated it has almost been a matter of willing the psychosis to come on, or willing it to go away (this resonates with me to a certain extent). He suggested that if one is to choose not to be psychotic, perhaps one has to find a way to be compensated for what is lost in becoming well. In my case, the loss of meaning that it represents dictates that I need to find a way to inject more meaning into everyday (non-psychotic) life.

Dr. I thinks I need to go back to church.

Well, there is another 42 posts at least just in the idea of going back to church. It's more complicated than that, Dr.I! But the idea of this blog is to go on a journey (cliche, cliche, cliche....) and to find out, through thinking and experimenting and experiencing, whether it is in fact possible for me to be "compensated". Whether I can shake off the feeling of emptiness and hollowness that has characterised my life as a post-psychotic person and find well-being.

Broad issues I want to look at also include: the idea of taking responsibility for one's illness (what do I do if everyday life doesn't get more meaningful??), methods of treatment, psychosis as illness versus a special kind of sensitivity, the nature of truth (just a piddling little matter, that), the link between psychosis, spirituality and creativity, and... lots more.

It's important to acknowledge that I know next to nothing about psychosis from a clinician's point of view, so this will be based on the experience of psychosis and spirituality, and the practice of art.

Hopefully I can avoid becoming too self-indulgent and confessional, and invite a couple of people along on the journey (there it is again) with me.

Merry Christmas and a Very Happy Incarnation Day...

Amber.